Route 666 (the highway to hell)
I like driving, but I'm not very keen on drivers. I'm one of those people who assume things like speed limits and 'give way' signs are there for a reason, and I try to observe them - which can cause much consternation and hand-flapping frustration for my more free-spirited fellow road users.
Also - and maybe this makes me a bit old fashioned - I tend to think of the road as a communal space rather than a personal playground, which puts me at odds with some of the characters you'll encounter as they hurtle towards you in their 90mph death machines. But, as Jim Reeves wisely pointed out, a stranger's just a friend you do not know - so let's meet a few of our fellow road warriors, shall we?
Special Boy. You'll have met special boy. He turns up all over the place. At roadworks. At roundabouts. Going the wrong way round supermarket car park one-way systems. Basically, Special Boy gets to do all the things you don't, because you're not special. If traffic's filtering down to one lane because of roadworks, Special Boy doesn't have to get in lane early and queue like everyone else. He can just coast past every sign, then cut in at the very last minute. If you just make it through a red light, Special Boy will be coming through behind you, several That Was Definitely On Red seconds later. Give him a wave from me next time you see him.
The Linesman: It's a 30mph limit. I'm driving within the limit, and here comes The Linesman. He wants to go fast, and he'd love nothing more than to be past me, with my stupid law-respecting ways. How do I know what he wants? Because he can't help drifting over to the centre line and back again, over and over. If only he can peer around me, the speed limits will all change and he'll be able to drive Slightly Faster, bringing never-ending joy to his life forever and ever (or at least until he gets to the next selfish git driving carefully on his road).
Mr Friendly: It's a big, empty road, but Mr Friendly can't help snuggling up close to your rear bumper. He could back off, he could wait for a safe point to overtake and be on his way, but he just wants to be near you. Very, very near. For ages. Sometimes, you'll find yourself leading a cluster of Mr Friendlies along the road, like ducklings following their mother. It's quite sweet, in its way.
The Accelerator: A very close relative of Mr Friendly, you'll see this one approaching from far, far away on a clear road. Closer. Closer. Closer. 'It's a clear road,' you'll think. 'He'll see me and work out that I'm driving within the speed limit, any time now.' Closer. Closer. And closer, still, until he's practically in your back seat, reaching for the leftover Werther's Originals. It's only then that he realises you're not, as expected, going to suddenly hit your accelerator and join him in a life of maverick excitement but are, in fact, going to carry on doing what you were doing the whole time he was coming up behind you, at the speed you were driving the whole time he was coming up behind you. And that's when he snatches his car into the outside lane and roars off in a blaze of middle-aged petulance.
The Uphill Struggler: Busy road. A dual carriageway or motorway. There are a few lorries up ahead in the inside lane, a bunch of drivers who may or may not be The Accelerator coming up from behind in the outside lane, and a very steep hill approaching. It's at this point, right at the start of the very steep and very long upward climb, that the Uphill Struggler decides it's time at last to overtake his fellow commercial drivers and show everyone what he's really capable of. Over he goes, into the outside lane, just in time to trap everyone behind him. And now the fun begins. Despite having driven for a living for who-knows-how-many-years, the Struggler suddenly discovers that it's really hard to drive a heavy lorry up a steep hill at any kind of speed. So he gets into position alongside the lorry he was about to overtake ... and stays there, the whole way up the hill, with an ever-growing queue of furious motorists forming behind him. He could slow down a little, drop back, get back into the inside lane and let everyone go about their business, of course, but it's become a matter of honour now. He's started this manoeuvre, and he's going to finish it, godammit, even if getting up this hill takes him a week. Which it sometimes does.
To be continued...
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